How often have you heard someone say, just trust me?
Easier said than done, right? It takes more than words to develop trust. That’s why many people operate on the principle of trust but verify. At the end of the day, trust is a privilege we must work for.
Charles Feltman, author of The Thin Book on Trust, defines trust as:
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” “Distrust is what I have shared with you, that is important to me, is not safe with you.”
Vulnerability & Trust Expert Brene Brown has extensively researched trust and how we build, grow, and regain trust that has been lost. Her acronym BRAVING, which we’ll dive into next, implies that trust takes courage—the courage to be vulnerable.
Throughout this post, I reference Brene Brown’s powerful presentation on trust. I recommend viewing her complete presentation first, then returning to this blog.
Brene Brown’s nuggets on trust and integrity:
- Trust is built in the smallest of moments.
- When we trust, we are braving connection with someone.
- Avoid “common-enemy intimacy.”
- Integrity is: (1) choosing courage over comfort; (2) doing what is right versus what is fun, fast, or easy; and (3) practicing your values, not just professing them.
- If you can’t count on yourself, you can’t ask others to give you what you don’t have so we have to start with self-trust.
Each of these statements is profound enough to warrant its own post, but for now, take a moment to consider each. Ask yourself where you might have opportunities to sharpen your skills, behaviors, or thoughts in order to be more trustworthy.
Next, let’s dive into the BRAVING acronym. Here’s a summary:
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- Boundaries: I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and respectful of mine.
- Reliability: You do what you say you are going to do, over and over again, and so do I.
- Accountability: I own my mistakes, apologize for them, and make amends, and I allow you to do the same.
- Vault: I keep everything in confidence and don’t gossip.
- Integrity: I act with integrity and encourage you to do the same. Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; doing what’s right versus what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing—not just professing—your values.
- Nonjudgmental: I can ask you for help without being judged, and you can expect the same from me.
- Generosity: I make the most generous assumptions about your words, intentions, and behaviors and you do the same for me.
Exercise: From the acronym, pick the letter that reflects your strength. Then select the one that reveals a weakness or characteristic you’d like to improve upon. Acknowledge the ways in which you’re already trustworthy, and identify one action step or commitment you will make to improve your weakness. You might find these questions helpful.
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- Boundaries: What boundaries do you need to shore up at work or home in order to build trust? What boundaries do you intentionally or unintentionally violate that limit your ability to develop trust?
- Reliability: In what areas are you not reliable at work? When do you overpromise or say yes when you really mean no?
- Accountability: Do you consistently hold yourself and others accountable in order to build trust? Do you take personal ownership of your mistakes and make amends? Are you willing to let others apologize and make amends to you?
- Vault: Do you have “vault leaks” where gossip, unkindness, or destructive conversations trickle in? Do you tend to share things that aren’t yours to share? Where and when? How do you acknowledge confidentiality?
- Integrity: How do you maintain integrity with yourself and others? How do you encourage others to honor themselves and maintain integrity?
- Nonjudgmental: How do you practice being nonjudgmental? What do you do on a consistent basis that makes others believe you won’t judge them? Do you make it easy for others to ask for help? How often do you ask for help from others?
- Generosity: How can you be more generous with yourself and others? What generous assumptions about others will help ensure you build trust? How are you helping things go right in relationships with others?
Trust is built in small moments of honoring self and others. It’s not a goal or destination. Rather, it’s a lifelong commitment to becoming more trustworthy individuals, managers, leaders, parents, friends, coworkers—you name it.
You might find committing to just one BRAVING letter each year is quite an undertaking. But it could yield tremendous dividends. Enjoy the practice of sharpening your trustworthiness—and watch your relationships deepen and strengthen.
