Making the leap from “challenging” to “real” conversations will result in more meaningful outcomes. Being real and authentic, however, requires key six ingredients to ensure a satisfying conversation.
Main Ingredient 1: You must care about the person or outcome. You can’t resolve an issue or expect a positive outcome from a real conversation if you don’t genuinely care about that person or situation. Before holding a conversation, consider what you care most about. Is it the person, outcome, relationship, or project? Once you’ve figured out what you care about, take a look at the second main ingredient.
Main Ingredient 2: You must see others as people (not objects). A healthy, productive conversation requires both parties to be on equal footing. By acknowledging the other as an individual with equal rights (even if we disagree), the conversation begins on neutral ground. The opposite occurs when we view the other as an object who can help (or prevent) us from getting what we want, or who is simply inconsequential. Entering a conversation with this sort of imbalance will leave a bitter taste.
Main Ingredient 3: You must be honest and clear. It’s common to be vague or anxious during difficult conversations. We might hesitate to speak our truth (fearing the other person will be offended or hurt, will take it personally, or will attack or retaliate). Consequently, we skirt the issue. Honesty starts with the courage to own what you feel, think, or believe. Consider the essence of your deep truth about the situation. If possible, set aside time to identify the core issue (mentally and emotionally) before you have the conversation. The meeting has a higher likelihood of success if you’re clear about your message.
Sometimes a real (honest and clear) conversation isn’t smooth or impeccable. Instead, it could get messy and raw. That’s okay. The key is to be respectful and self-aware. Holding back the truth to avoid getting “messy,” is more damaging than sorting out a raw but honest conversation that leaves you a bit bruised. This can be especially challenging if your cultural norm is to be polite or vague, and honesty can be perceived as rude or insubordinate. If this is the case, you’ll need to adapt the content of this blog: First find your truth, then add your cultural filter to sort out how to offer feedback appropriately.
Main Ingredient 4: You must be vulnerable. The famous vulnerability author, Brené Brown, says, “Being vulnerable is the ultimate act of courage.” Being real is being vulnerable, and it’s not always easy. It can feel “safer” when we add some padding, inflate our ego, or even boost our righteousness. The likelihood of success, however, is dismal with this approach. Vulnerability means you’re willing to take ownership of your behaviors, emotions, and feelings. It requires you to be open and allow space for others to do the same. It’s also important that the environment you are in allows for vulnerability. If you are a leader, consider how you can create an environment in which people feel safe to share their truths and the courage to speak up is valued. Assuming positive intent and putting yourself in others’ shoes goes a long way. “Empathy is not just something that happens to us. Empathy is an action we take” is another valuable Brené Brown quote.
Main Ingredient 5: You must be unattached to the outcome. It’s natural to have a desired outcome in mind when initiating a conversation. We may enter into a conversation with assumptions and hopes about how we want it to end. A real conversation is different. It leaves room for possibilities, including those we might not have considered. Sharing what we hope the conversation will result in can be helpful, as long as we leave room for alternatives. If we overly focus on the outcome, we might avoid going deeper to discuss or resolve the real issues. Once you’ve spoken your truth, and the other person has done the same, you’ll need to add a final ingredient.
Main Ingredient 6: You must follow through and reconnect. Once the conversation is finished, you might breathe a sigh of relief, hoping you won’t need to address the issue again. Having the conversation, however, is the first part. Next, you must follow through on commitments you made during the conversation. Maybe you agreed to meet more frequently to air issues and avoid build-up. You (or the other party) might have committed to changing. You need to take personal accountability for your agreements. By reinvesting, reconnecting, checking in, and following through, you’ll deepen relationships and ensure real conversations are more natural and comfortable in the future.
Once you become comfortable with real conversations, you won’t pursue any other kind. When we are real, we are authentic. We can show up as we are with less effort and energy.
