Resetting Power Dynamics: Boundaries, Buffers, and Non-Negotiables

The word “boundaries” sometimes feels restrictive and controlling.

But if we look at it from a different perspective, boundaries actually serve both parties by respecting and honoring ways we view and do things differently. I think of boundaries as how we stay grounded and centered in what’s true or right for us.

Author Prentis Hemphill sums it up beautifully in her book What It Takes to Heal when she says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

She goes on to say, “Boundaries are not about control; they are a way of resetting power dynamics in relationships, of restoring our sense of agency and choice. Maybe most important, boundaries are how weshelter our authenticity, our real selves, and they are essential as we build relationships with others.”

Yet, many of us struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries in life and work.

We may feel pressure to negotiate boundaries, especially if any of these factors are at play:

• Lack of self-worth.
• Fear of disappointing others.
• A deep need/want to be helpful or supportive.
• Not wanting to upset others.
• Lack of belonging.
• Codependent behaviors or beliefs.
• Inability to detect manipulative behaviors in others.
• Susceptible to people-pleasing.
• Abandonment issues.
• Trauma and PTSD.
• Lack of emotional, psychological, financial, physical safety.
• Inability to deal with dominant or aggressive behaviors in others.
• Severe discomfort addressing passive-aggressive behavior in others.

The list goes on, but it’s not the intention of this blog to identify or diagnose why we have boundary issues. It might, however, be helpful to review the list to see what resonates with you.

These factors can be powerful keys to unlocking boundary issues at a deeper level and might require work with a skilled therapist to heal or access root causes. I’ve found that, once I cleared up underlying issues, boundary-setting and communications became infinitely easier.

For the purposes of this blog, however, let’s focus on how to restore boundaries and reset “power dynamics” to thrive in life and at work. We’ll also dive into how to communicate boundary “creeps and breaks” to restore and rebuild relationships.

How to identify boundaries:

Boundaries can be illusive or crystal clear. Sometimes we don’t realize someone is overstepping a boundary until after the fact, because we never articulated the boundary. Other times, we have crystal clear boundaries (and have communicated them). Nonetheless, others may fail to honor them (for whatever reason).

I view boundaries as part one of a three-part process. One is non-negotiable; in my heart, if someone crosses it, there’s no return. Next come the boundaries that extend from that first line. Lastly, there’s the space between my boundary and non-negotiable line—this is the “boundary buffer.”

Having struggled with boundaries for years, I realized at one point that my boundary buffer was WAY too close to my non-negotiable line. That caused anxiety, panic, reactiveness, and black-and-white thinking/actions on my part.  It also confused others because I would appear to be okay until I wasn’t. That sharp turn often shocked the people around me, costing energy, emotions, and ultimately relationships that could have been saved.

At some point, I decided to clean up my non-negotiables, boundaries, and boundary buffers. Today, the process of identifying, setting, clarifying, and maintaining boundaries is close to effortless.

Let’s explore a process for managing these three key parts.

1. 1. Identify and clearly articulate your non-negotiables: They are called “non-negotiables” because we don’t negotiate on them. While this seems self-evident, you’d be surprised how often we end up negotiating our “non-negotiables.” We want them to be non-negotiable, but as soon as we waiver, they become negotiable. You can learn more about how to create non-negotiable standards and expectations for business here, but for the purpose of this blog, let’s keep it more personal. All non-negotiables start with fundamental beliefs about what is right or wrong for us and what we deeply value. While our non-negotiable standards at work may use different language, they are based on the same steadfast beliefs that permeate every part of our lives.

In short, non-negotiables are beliefs, actions, behaviors, interactions, people, and situations that you would walk away from if they crossed a specific line–without much thought or questions asked.

One non-negotiable for me is drug and alcohol abuse. I grew up in a family of alcoholics, with both my parents dying of alcohol-related illnesses. Consequently, I don’t have friends, romantic partners, or acquaintances who abuse alcohol—it’s a non-negotiable for me.

While important people in my life (personal and business) may drink, they do so responsibly and don’t violate this non-negotiable in my presence. Alcohol drinking is not a non-negotiable for me. Abusing it in my presence is. If that happens, I remove myself without judgement. If needed, I share where my line is and ask them to honor it. While I can choose to have a conversation, I don’t always feel called to do so. The choice is mine. I may ponder how to approach a non-negotiable or what action to take, but I won’t negotiate or have it in my life.

A ”lighter” (yet equally complex) example is “Respect my no.” It seems easy and direct enough, right? Well, for some reason, many people are not comfortable with a “no” response.

I believe (deeply) that we are equal in value as human beings. When someone pushes or tries to manipulate me into changing my “no” to make themself happy or get what they want, we’re off balance. It shows a fundamental disregard for what I say is important to me. If we go back to Hemphill’s definition, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously,” anytime I’m not able to honor us both, it’s time to pause.

That doesn’t mean I can’t be convinced to shift my “no” to “yes,” but it would be my choice. The non-negotiable part for me is when I feel my “no” has been violated.

We’ll dive into how best to address boundary creeps shortly. For now, consider what your non-negotiables might be and from where they resonate. It took me years to finally articulate mine. In the beginning, I could only identify a non-negotiable once it had been violated, which wasn’t ideal. Now, I can articulate and discuss them without fear, judgement, or discomfort—in advance, in-the-moment, or after-the-fact in life and business.

Your non-negotiables:

• • • Make a list of the core beliefs by which you live. You might find that you’ve carried them most of your life. I recently found a note I wrote when I was 11. In it I said, “We’re all different. That doesn’t matter. The most important thing is to be kind.” It’s still a core belief from which several of my non-negotiables stem. Consider what you believe deeply and will not change, no matter how the world or people in your life change.
    • From that list, articulate four drafted non-negotiables. If you’re just getting started, these can take years to reach final form, so consider them drafts for now. Ponder them. Let them percolate and sit. Test them if you’d like. See what might “sound” like a non-negotiable, but in the end you’re negotiating it. There’s nothing wrong with this either. Take time to practice speaking and acting on them. At some point, they become crystal clear, helping you establish the line from which you can begin creating your boundary buffer.
    • Do a trial run with a trusted friend or family member. Share your non-negotiables with someone who knows you well. See how they resonate. Sometimes, people who are close to us can articulate them better than we can. They often provide essential words or distinctions that help us more clearly communicate our true non-negotiables.

1. 2. Establish your boundaries: Once we have established non-negotiables, boundaries are much easier to set and maintain. For me, boundaries serve as a “do not enter” warning sign. It’s the declaration of a limit. If passed (or violated), a new action is required (this is the “boundary buffer,” which we will explore shortly). Let’s explore boundaries next.

Your boundaries:

• • • Make a list of boundaries that connect to your non-negotiables. For example, “Respect my no,” is my non-negotiable. A boundary is “When I say ‘no,’ don’t push or manipulate me into giving a different answer.” If someone intentionally or unintentionally steps over that boundary, I can decide if I want to clarify the boundary and offer the person another chance or simply walk away.

      While boundaries can be adjusted, non-negotiables cannot. My job is clarifying where a boundary is (and re-clarifying if I choose). It’s the other person’s choice to act as they see fit. In balanced relationships, we honor one another’s boundaries, apologizing for and correcting behaviors that violate them.

• • • Consider how you want to communicate them (or not). There are many ways to go about sharing and discussing boundaries. Overly harsh or drastic boundaries tend to indicate a different issue (as in my case, where my boundary buffer was too close to my non-negotiable line).

      When we are grounded in a boundary (and it’s connected to a carefully crafted non-negotiable) we tend to approach boundaries neutrally and matter-of-factly. They are what they are. We speak about them calmly and with integrity—honoring our needs and those of others at the same time. Discussions and negotiations are considered, and new options are created if appropriate.

3. Consider your boundary buffer: I think of the “boundary buffer” as my sacred space. It’s the wiggle room I have between my established boundary and the non-negotiable line. It allows for conversations, re-negotiations, or space to consider if I’ll walk away or have a clarifying conversation. In this space, I can consider whether I want to change my “no” to “yes” or even “maybe.” I can consider factors that might contribute to changing or modifying a boundary (new information or different perspectives I hadn’t considered before). It also gives me space to give someone a chance to change their behavior or approach.

Your boundary buffers:

• • • Play with buffers. Pick one of your non-negotiables and consider the “line” you won’t cross. Next, establish a boundary and picture what a buffer might look like. For example, if your non-negotiable is “lying,” a boundary may be, “Tell me the truth always, and I will honor it.” Within the boundary buffer you might consider if there are lies you will “accept.” For example, if a friend makes up a “white lie” about why they can’t meet for dinner, that enters the boundary buffer, but it isn’t close to your non-negotiable line. If, however, that same friend lies about bigger issues or has a pattern of frequently lying, they are getting dangerously close to your non-negotiable line.
      Repeat the process for each of your non-negotiables and see where you stand. Run it by trusted people, asking them to challenge you. We might think we’re clear and firm—only to find out after a bit of probing that we’re not. This is a personal process. Avoid judging yourself if you notice that you’re more willing to negotiate on boundaries than you anticipated.

Rarely are these concepts black or white. They live in the grey until we hit a non-negotiable, then it’s clear where we stand. Play with it. Let it evolve. If we push too hard, we tend to regret our actions, and our relationships suffer. If you’re new to establishing or communicating boundaries, doing so with people who know, love, and support your boundaries is essential. It provides a safe space to practice and test.

How to handle and address boundary creep or boundary breaks:

Once we know where we stand, let’s put boundaries, buffers, and non-negotiables into practice. This is where the “fun” or “interesting” work begins. If we’ve previously struggled with setting and maintaining boundaries, the people around us won’t necessarily be thrilled with our new way of being. They might have preferred our lack of clear boundaries because it allowed them to interact with us in a way that worked for them. Seemingly overnight, we are different.

Actually, we’re not different. We’re the same as before, but now we’re verbalizing what lived below the surface. This can take some getting used to for us and others, so proceed as gently as possible. Here are some great best practices for re-establishing and addressing boundary creep or boundary breaks.

Remember, you can’t prevent people from overstepping your boundaries. You can, however, decide how to respond. Others’ actions and behaviors are not in your control.

When someone “violates” our boundaries, it’s easy to take it personally. While it might feel personal, their actions are about them, not you. When we’re newer to setting boundaries, doing so can produce anxiety, fears, and insecurity. To get recentered and realigned, let’s revisit this quote about boundaries:

“Boundaries are not about control; they are a way of resetting power dynamics in relationships, of restoring our sense of agency and choice. Maybe most important, boundaries are how we shelter our authenticity, our real selves, and they are essential as we build relationships with others.”

If someone has overstepped a boundary, we have an excellent opportunity to “reset power dynamics,” “restore our sense of choice,” and reconsider how we “shelter our authenticity.” As such, it can be viewed as a gift or opportunity to get clearer and more specific with others, allowing them a chance to readjust. This reminder has helped me greatly as I practiced setting, maintaining, and communicating boundary creeps and breaks.

• • Communicating about boundary creep: A “boundary creep” happens when someone steps over a boundary and hangs out in the boundary buffer (getting close to a non-negotiable line). These steps can be intentional or unintentional. If unintentional and corrected, they permanently change. If intentional and corrected, they often continue. Be aware of the difference. Evaluate the actions (not the words) of the person. Here are two examples that reset power dynamics:
    • “You might not realize that you’ve cancelled the last four dinner invitations at the last minute, which affects my ability to plan other activities. I understand it happens occasionally, but not four times in a row. No hard feelings. I get that life can be complicated. If you continue, however, I will decline future invitations.”In this example, the speaker is neutrally stating their boundary and non-negotiable line. It’s up to the friend to change or not. There’s no judgement, just a statement of what does/doesn’t work for the speaker. Pervasive tardiness and disrespect for another’s schedule usually indicates an imbalanced relationship.
    • “You agreed to manage your defensiveness during disagreements, creating a discussion-friendly environment for both of us. Yesterday, you reverted to your old pattern. I know it’s hard to change, and I appreciate your continued commitment to doing so permanently. If it happens again, however, I will tell you and remove myself from the conversation. We can pick up later when you’ve regained your composure.”In this example, both parties have agreed on a new way of being, but the person trying to change isn’t able to do so perfectly or immediately. Notice that the boundary setting is open, clear, and offers “grace,” so the defensive person can continue to work on it. It also expresses a clear nonthreatening action the speaker will take if the behavior continues.

As you see, the boundary process isn’t crystal clear or “one time and you’re out.” We might violate boundaries (intentionally or unintentionally). If we get better at articulating our boundaries and correcting others when they enter the boundary buffer, we can reset power dynamics quicker and build long-lasting relationships in any scenario. Let’s now look at how to address boundary breaks.

• • Communicating about boundary breaks: A “boundary break” is when someone oversteps a clearly established boundary. If they haven’t stepped over the non-negotiable line, there is still hope of recovering. Here are two examples of how you might discuss a break.
    • “I told you I need space and time. Yet, you reached out anyway. You disregarded my request, and if you do that again, our friendship is at stake.”In this example, we’re looking at a crystal-clear boundary. Sometimes it’s hard to honor someone’s boundary, especially when we want or need something from them. This is the true test of relationships.

This example is an actual quote from a friend of mine. I thought “space and time” meant one week. So, when I didn’t hear from them after seven days, I contacted them (clearly violating the boundary). I was told to back off until they were ready to reach out. Three months later (I thought a week was enough), they called and thanked me for honoring the boundary (even after the first break). Since then, we’ve repaired and maintained our friendship.

• • • “This is the second time you’ve asked me to negotiate on price. It’s clearly stated in our agreement that we don’t negotiate. When you did this the first time, I reminded you of our policy. Yet, you did it again. Should we go our separate ways, or can I trust you not to do this again?”In this example, the listener has intentionally disregarded a stated boundary (and non-negotiable). This was an actual conversation I had with one of our major corporate clients. I share my non-negotiables at the beginning of any client engagement, and my boundary buffer is a two-time warning after which we end the engagement without further discussion. Unfortunately, this client did it a third time, so I walked away from a significant client—and the income that came with her account. While it wasn’t a “fun” decision, nor was it hard. “Respecting my no” is a non-negotiable.

Being clear about your boundaries and non-negotiables doesn’t mean it’s easy (especially in the beginning). It requires courage and vulnerability. It demands fearlessness in the face of adversity, and it’s a skill. Once you do it regularly, it becomes easier, and you’ll find a sense of comfort and confidence emanates from within.

Before holding a boundary conversation, I say to myself, “You’ve got this.” After the conversation, I tell myself, “You can trust you did the right thing.” I often touch my heart to remind my body that honoring who I am and what I believe in and stand for builds character and courage.

If you’re nervous, anxious, or possibly scared about the topic of boundaries, imagine my whispering, “You’ve got this!”